Phase Three and the Plague

Yes, it's true. I moved into P3 and became infected with The Plague. I have been down for the count for days and days...I have not been keeping track of my food intake, not drinking enough water, not weighing daily, but I'm still within the 2 pound LDW (last dose weight) from 2 weeks ago. But my appetite has been missing, with the exception of "comfort" foods that are most definitely NOT on protocol. When the going gets rough, or my immune system goes on an extended vacation I immediately want to reach for food to soothe the savage beast within. Well screw that! I'm taming that animal while I admire my new butt in the mirror. I haven't indulged...I've been quite pious in my refusals.

But seriously, I've been pushing the protein and fat, less on the veggies and fruit. My hubby made me a delicious chicken soup with onion, garlic and celery that was perfect. I've eaten a lot of eggs, cheese, nuts (almonds and pistachios), and some nut butter, coconut butter too.

I'm the mother of an 11 year old daughter now, and can barely believe it! We had our annual trip to the Oregon Coast in the same house with all of my family coming to stay (with the exception of one brother who was working a new job), and my in-laws coming for the day. This started out as a celebration of my daughter's birthday when she was two, so this is our 10th year! Unfortunately, I didn't actually make it down TO the beach - no energy, terrible cough and it was nasty weather. Raining, windy, snow at times...whew! I had berries with whipping cream and stevia while everyone else had cupcakes and ice cream. I actually preferred the berries! There are many cupcakes I would drool over, but not this time. It was quite empowering.

We did learn how to make traditional tamales from my aunt (aka surrogate sister) and the Fairy Godmother to my girls. She and her dh have been living on their sailboat in La Paz, Mexico - so she's been learning the ropes down there. Visit their publishing website at www.bennetthastings.com! It was a lot of fun making little packets with corn husks, and we made corn husk dolls too. Really, it's quite simple, and the filling is cornmeal, chicken, onion, peppers and spices. After wrapping several dozen, we steamed them for 90 minutes in the oven and then everyone ate! Admittedly, I took a very tiny one and tested the results - quite good. Then I ate the leftover chicken filling, entirely P3 friendly. :)

So I'm not 10 days into P3 and stabilizing just fine, even though I haven't been paying much attention to anything other than breathing and not having an "accident" every time I cough. The Plague has been an unforeseen speed bump, but that's how life rolls...at least MY life. I'll finish out P3 with more care to what I'm eating, but it seems as though I'm on the right track regardless. It is definitely easier than the VLCD days...though I've often found that I'm still "bored" with food and eating the same old standy-bys. I have enjoyed eating salad greens more, with the addition of extra veggies and P3 friendly dressing.

Oh - the reshaping that supposedly happens in P3, it's working. Quite literally, my pants are falling off. I have a very new and exciting relationship with belts, and I'm rocking those belts like a woman with a shrinking muffin top! :)

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? ~~~Mitch Hedberg

Have you lost weight?

Well, yeah. 30 pounds in fact. Thanks for asking.

Actually up until today nobody has mentioned it and I’ve been a bit disappointed. Granted, I’m huge anyway, so what’s 10% of my body weight being gone? Not enough to really show I guess. It was somewhat comical yesterday at work, when my boss walked by and saw my client and I standing there, and she exclaimed, “Wow, you look so thin!” Well, she was talking to my client, not me. lol Then the client said “But my weight’s the same, it hasn’t changed! I’ve lost two inches off my waist though.” She does look great, you can see the changes in her and I know she’s been working hard at changing her diet. But dang it sort of felt like I was invisible!

Isn’t that what fat does? Insulates and makes one invisible even though we’re taking up so much physical space? Provides protection from the words of others, though ironically it makes us more vulnerable to rude comments. The self-soothing that takes place when hurt, tired, lonely, afraid, pissed off, overwhelmed, bored…we’re insulating our metaphorical hearts as well as our bodies. I’m done with that! I’ve been happily married for almost 16 years so it’s not like I’m looking for admirers, but it would sure be nice to be less physically repulsive to people with fattiefobia. ;) I don’t want people to discount my intelligence based on how wide my ass has gotten either. Brain shrinkage doesn’t occur with ass widening, at least it’s not scientifically proven. Yet.

But the clouds parted, the sun shown down and birdies started singing today when ANOTHER client (I’ll call her June) did what she called a “triple take” as I got out of the car. She recognized my car, and the somewhat vaguely familiar woman getting out but she didn’t think it was me! First things she said is “Have you been losing weight?” I could have kissed her! Instead I smiled and replied that “yes, in fact I have lost weight.” I’ve known “June” for several years, and we catch up during her sessions with what our lives have been like since the last visit and what’s coming up before the next time we see each other.

I’m pretty open about who I am and what I think, and so holding back something that is life altering such as this diet is unusual for me. But I told her all about it, explained the various principles that Dr. Simeons based his protocol on and how I’ve planned to progress through the phases. June was very supportive and thought that perhaps a sister might be interested in the process. I look forward to being further changed when I see her next month and celebrating again! Thank you June, for being aware and for mentioning the change in my body. You’re the first. I hope you aren’t the last. ;)

Week three was much easier on me than week two, and for that I'm very relieved! It's amazing to me how my cravings have subsided, although a few nights ago I still had the urge to nosh...seeking comfort...and not feeling 100%. But NO, that will not be my go-to plan! Hot tea with stevia, a well-timed, nicely crunchy apple and I was fine. I am enjoying my food, and mixing it up a bit more with various seasonings. I also made asparagus soup that was DIVINE, garnished with fresh cilantro made it even better.

Last week there was no way I could see anyone going 40 days on Phase Two! This week I can see that if it's working, once you get in a groove it becomes more feasible and may even be easier than doing more rounds. I've got an annual family weekend at the beach coming up, my daughter's birthday and my 16th wedding anniversary all in a week's time at the end of the month. So my plan has been to move to P3 the week before our trip to the beach which will give me more freedom with extra protein and fat (I’m thinking a stevia sweetened, almond crust cheesecake instead of cupcakes and ice cream for myself) and I’ll be able to hang with everyone at the dinner/dessert table in style. I’m also looking forward to a few cocktails. Oh yes, I sure am!

As I mentioned above, I dropped THIRTY POUNDS in 24 days. Aside from week two, which is hard for most people I’ve gathered, I’ve done it without too much pain and suffering. There have been moments, but I keep telling myself that cheating on this food or that beverage is NOT WORTH IT. Hitting the 30-pound mark was definitely something to celebrate.

I haven’t been this weight since before my last pregnancy. It feels GOOD! I will never be model and wear a size 2, my bone and muscle mass is not likely to change that drastically. But I look forward to being a healthy size that feels right for ME, not only confident and proud of who I AM, but also how I look and move through my days. I'm keeping my curves, I just want them a bit fewer and further between.

Curves: The loveliest distance between two points. ~Mae West

Week Three, Oh How I Love Thee

After the hellishness of week two, I'm sailing along pretty well this week! My hunger has been much better maintained with the increased dose and I've dropped six pounds since Tuesday, though today the scale was stationary. I'll take it though! Admittedly, I've been adding protein servings since late Sunday. It is the only thing that has kept me on "protocol" even though I'm above the 500 calorie limit by a bit. I'm blood type O, I need meat! :)

It is interesting to read the comments from "purists" that go Dr. Simeons the whole way from start to finish, compared with the "rogues" who adapt the diet for themselves or their doctors. I think that somewhere in the middle is what is true for most of us, and yet each individual will respond and drop pounds while others will gain based on our own unique metabolic issues. If extra protein keeps me on track and I continue to lose, am able to stabilize and maintain, then I'm going to eat it! I'm still eating the protocol foods Dr. S recommends though, I'm not THAT much of a rebel. ;)

Week Three also represents the end of Phase Two. I'm still toying with ending next week or going an additional week. I suppose it depends on what is happening on the scale and how I'm feeling. I've been craving fats so badly! I can't wait to get my hands on some cheese and nuts and coconut oil. We have an annual trip to the beach with my whole family at the end of the month, and I definitely want to be on P3 by then.

My carb cravings have been diminishing, though last night I was doing a bit of battle. Hot cinnamon tea helped tremendously. I've been saving my tablespoon of milk for tea as dessert because it enriches so much vs the pathetic muddy color it makes my coffee if I add it in the morning. I'm a half-and-half coffee kind of woman, and lots of it! But milk in tea with a bit of stevia and it's like dessert, very satisfying and curbs those cravings.

One thing I've noted that I need to watch this week is waiting too long to eat and then filling myself up to the "full" point. Binge and starve is not going to be a good way to stabilize at all! I had a killer week at my three jobs, literally with no time to eat until after my workday (6.5 hours was the longest) so I got in most of my calories in a short period of time. While I enjoy the fullness factor, I really would rather NOT perpetuate that moving forward. Part of my fear with saving my food til later is that if I eat more in the early part of the day the anxiety over "What if I get hungry and I've used up my calories?" is enough to make me wait. The funny thing is, I'm hungry anyway because I haven't eaten and I'm saving my food for later. Seems ridiculous, and definitely a "scarcity" mentality I want no part of. I want to live in abundance! Abundant energy, abundant health, abundant joy!

And with that, I have an abundantly busy day with four clients waiting for me. Have a GREAT weekend Losers, and have a glass of water for me...I'll tip my glass to your success too!

Expect your every need to be met.
Expect the answer to every problem.
Expect abundance on every level.
~Eileen Caddy

Peaks and Valleys With a Side of Courage

I haven’t updated for several days but I’m still here! Honestly it’s been a struggle the last week. I’ve had real problems with hunger, which is not supposed to be the case, and have gotten conflicting advice about how to adjust my hHCG dose. This came on the heels of three days with 3# losses and (TMI alert) some rather loose (liquid) trouble in the bathroom for several days. I also gained three pounds of retained fluids on Friday, and that coupled with the hunger really sent me into a tailspin. The pounds came back off after three days and a doubled diuretic dose (I’m on prescriptions for this, not for weight loss). If I weren’t hungry, it would be much easier to stick to it. But I’m obsessing about food, I’m wakeful at night because my stomach is empty, I’m rationing out my calories and getting more cranky. I’ve got this near-constant inner struggle about stick it out or cheat now. This is not the kind of post I want to include here, I’d rather be all happy, inspired and skinny. But it’s REAL, it’s happening NOW and I owe it to myself to be completely honest, to anyone who might read this also. This diet is simple but by no means easy.

Food is a powerful drug that is readily accessible and relatively cheap. While it might be more fashionable to be a skinny cocaine addict, being fat seems to be one of those things that people of integrity, education and will-power simply don't DO. Of course those of us who ARE fat know this isn't true - that the extra pounds aren't about will power or ignorance. Most fat folks are quite educated about diet and exercise. We've been down that road more than a few times, and honestly it's insulting to receive "dieting tips" or "helpful suggestions" from the Thin and Patronizing. Yes, you may be well-intentioned with your comments of "support" but it ISN'T helpful to hear what worked for your neighbor or what you did when you had to drop those 5 pounds that you just couldn't lose after pregnancy. Pah-leeeese.

That said – I’m an addict and I want a fix. My body is slowly detoxing from grains and sugar. Being gluten-free, I’ve already cut a lot of grains out of my diet, but I’m a semi-regular consumer of brown rice and quinoa, and rarely gluten-free oats. But I’m HUNGRY. I’m thinking about food I haven’t eaten in over a year! Cereal, donuts, REAL pizza crust, French bread, chocolate cake. Holy Mother of God I want to eat carbs right now! As bad as it feels, I will feel worse if I give in. I know it! The few times I’ve eaten gluten over the last15 months I have regretted it with increased swelling and pain, headaches and more. I won’t be eating carbs or sugar for another 4-6 weeks while on the protocol, and through Phase 3 stabilization until I hit Phase 4 and maintenance.

I’ve known people who have done drastic diets and had surgery, losing a ton of weight in the process, only to find themselves back where they started and worse after a few years because they DIDN’T DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT and issues with food. No diet will work until the emotional component is addressed. I know this. I’ve tried to do this before and failed. Sometimes I wish I WERE a drug addict instead of obese. At least then my health insurance would pay for me to have counseling and rehab. People would be supportive and understanding, at least in the sense of how addiction works. They would (hopefully) not go to bars or crack houses with me, they wouldn’t offer me the random blunt or needle. Go to a meeting with me perhaps.

But fatties? “Put the fork down you cow!” “Show some self-control!” “Reduce calories and exercise for Pete’s sake!” “Get your lard ass out of the chair and at least walk around the block.” These are mostly the things I hear in my mind, but I have to believe I’m not unique in the self-abuse I heap on myself. The ironic thing is that nobody would ever say “Got a problem with food? Then just stay out of the grocery store, restaurant, pantry, refrigerator.” “I’ll sit here and not eat food with you.” “We’re not serving food at our dinner party because we know how difficult it is for you.” It all sounds on the edge of insanity, doesn’t it? ;)

What I know to be true about myself is that I have deep, inner reserves of strength that come out in the midst of crisis when someone I care about is hurting. I am not a weak person; I have determination and drive in many situations. Well right now I am the one hurting, so where is my compassion and strength for myself? I’m doing my best, one day at a time as they say, sometimes it’s only one meal at a time. I’m still showing up and doing the work, and it sucks and is hard. The other thing I know is that I AM WORTH IT. I'll show up again tomorrow, promise.

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says "I will try again tomorrow".
~Mary Anne Radmacher

No, that's not a baby in my tummy!

Yes, I've heard this from more than one unwitting child, they know not what they say. Thankfully no adult has ever made this most inappropriate comment to me, or I'd have sat on them!

But speaking of pregnancy and hcg...one of the reasons I felt so encouraged by this diet after doing some research is that the times I've been baking a baby have been times I've felt the most connected with my body and hunger, satiety and cravings. One bite too many and it would send me over the edge into spasms of nausea, so I learned then to pay closer attention to the signals my body was trying to send me. My cravings were relatively healthy too! Peanut butter and graham crackers, lemon yogurt, *protein* in massive amounts...nothing over the top or crazy. Wow. It was also a time when my body felt GOOD, well after morning sickness ended and before being HUGE with babybelly. Not as much pain, not as much fatigue, happy and excited. You know, that "glow"!

That's how today started for me too. I dropped *3 pounds* from the scale this morning. I slept well, and long enough. I was energized and ready to face the day (and it was a long, busy one too). These days have become so rare that they really stand out! Later in the day I ended up with a headache, probably from not drinking enough water - which I'm trying to make up for now. ;)

But I want MORE of those days, without the pregnancy! I have to believe that dropping half of my body weight (or so) will make them happen with a LOT more frequency. At some point I would love to snow ski again, ride bikes with my kids, hike, dance, run for fun and the body I ride in now simply can't do those things.

While exercise has always been touted as a remedy to virtually every medical problem known to science, it has been difficult for me with mind-numbing fatigue and a body that is always in pain. I haven't yet shared the myriad of medical problems I've faced over the years, but they are many, they are complex and some days it's all I can do to take care of my kids' basic needs. Thankfully my husband does help pick up *some* of the slack, though sometimes I wish he would do more (don't most wives?) ;)

But I have hope that with the inner process of relflection and the HCG diet someday my hypothalamus will be healed, my relationship with food will be more normal, my body will be filled with vitality and I will be able to do those things I once loved with joy, vigor and enthusiasm!

I have hope.

Hope is the dream of a soul awake.
~French Proverb

fat, Fat, FAT!

I'm only two days into my second week and already planning for the next phase of this diet. I miss fat, and Phase 3 incorporates more fat and protein, with a ban on sugar and starch (until Phase 4, then in moderation of course). So one goes from a very regimented, strict, low calorie diet to one that does not restrict fat or protein at all. I'm dreaming of salmon and cheese, coconut oil and almond butter. lol! Of course it has to be the GOOD fats. Good fat you say? Why would you want to eat MORE fat when you're trying to LOSE fat? Well let me step up on this box and I'll tell you...

Dietary fat is NOT the enemy! Carbs make people fat. As I said before, I quit dieting years ago because every time I did I got fatter, and once I did my weight stabilized. Ridiculous, right? No willpower, right? WRONG. The low-fat/no-fat craze is what has sent the obesity rates climbing in the last several decades.

The Harvard School of Public Health has put out an article about fats and cholesterol. In it are the following statistics:

Back in the 1960's, when Americans were eating 45% fat, 13% were obese and less than 1% had diabetes.

Currently, reducing dietary fat consumption to 33% has resulted in 34% obesity rates and 8% diabetes incidence.

Appalling! Clearly, *something* is wrong with our current diet based on the completely backward Food Guide Pyramid, which was developed back in the 1960's. An interesting correlation, yes? It has come under harsh criticism in recent years based on more up-to-date research. Again - dietary fat is NOT the enemy.

I have learned so much in the last few years from friends I've found in a few neighborhood food buying clubs. We pool our resources, buy in bulk from wholesalers and direct from farmers, fishermen and ranchers for everything from fresh produce and dairy products, sea salt and coconut oil to grass fed beef and salmon. I was introduced to Sally Fallon and her book "Nourishing Traditions" and the Weston A. Price Foundation, which are going to great lengths to correct the misinformation the FDA has been pushing for 50 years.

I could go on and on, but I need to go eat. lol!

Ah, that beloved soapbox...it was getting dusty. ;)

With that said - I dropped another 2.5 pounds yesterday, bringing my total up to 12 pounds in 8 days. WOW. I'm not starving either, I feel pretty good! And with the following quote, I bid you good night!

"Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint." -Mark Twain

Week Two, Day One - and another 1.5# gone!

I changed my ticker to reflect my weight loss including the four pounds from loading. Technically I've lost 5.5 total, but it sure feels better to see 9.5 on the ticker, and those four pounds WERE in my body and are now GONE. :)

But yes - hooray - I'm finding my groove with this, and I'm NOT hungry. I read in Pounds and Inches that at times Dr. S had patients who had a hard time getting all 500 of the calories in that they were supposed to. I distinctly recall a smirk on my face and a "yeah right" in my mind. But it's TRUE. I skipped my 2nd fruit yesterday cause I wasn't hungry. While making a habit of that isn't a good idea, it feels sorta good!

I wasn't hungry for most of the day, but after eating my late lunch (lemon chicken, cucumbers w/blackberry vinegar, breadstick) I feel a bit more hollow now. It's odd though, not a ravenous sort of hunger but more the sensation that I'm not "full" and thinking I should be. Well that mindset has to change, and change right away! While I'm not particularly hungry, I would love to find a kitchen fairy lurking about that could prepare food for my family. Making my kids PB & J, quesadillas and such does trigger some familiar cravings for "comfort food". I've already worked it out with my DH (dear, darling, damn, dorky :insert appropriate adjective: husband) with cooking dinner. I'm not going to do that while I'm on the VLCD, and maybe not even in P3...we'll see.

At some point I'll branch away from my staples but for now I'm satisfied and I'm dropping pounds. It's a win win! :)

End of Week One - 8 Pounds GONE!

I decided to do an extra day of loading last week, and am glad I did. I started my first VLCD feeling hungry from the get-go. But no headache or crankiness (other than the norm, lol) and it was quite manageable. Day 2 saw us loading up our travel trailer for a short weekend away. I packed adequate protocol foods and even had a plan for when my husband cooked his weekend breakfast for everyone (except me), which includes bacon, eggs and hash browns. With black coffee and my current book in hand, the picnic table offered refuge from the cloying scent of maple cured bacon.

I survived, and came up with a delicious breakfast of my own with fuji apple and spinach, steamed in a sauce of citrus spices and garlic. Even my family, who had been only moments before been blissed out on bacon, said it was tastier than they expected. Okay so it didn't come close to comparing with bacon and eggs, but it was filling, flavorful and I was satisfied. THAT is pretty huge.

It is interesting to find that with every diet I've ever been on, I've been more focused and obsessed with food than when I'm eating "normally". It's really an odd place to be, wanting to lose weight and feel better in my body, yet constantly thinking and planning the next meal.

One would think that with my current state, that I binge constantly or eat junk food all the time, neither of which is true. In fact, our family eats quite a variety of healthy foods, mostly organic including meat, and I am gluten-intolerant so I do not eat wheat, rye, barley, spelt and most oats. I buy gluten-free bread and muffins once a month, and eat those things a few times per week, my daughter being the primary consumer with her daily school lunches. My grains are typically limited to quinoa and brown rice.

Another realization is how often I will finish what my children don't want! "Here mama, I don't want this" followed by a handful of crackers, the last quarter of their fruit or sandwich. I can't even imagine how many calories that adds up to in a week.

I finally got on the scale today for the first time since Friday, which was the beginning of my VLCD. I gained four pounds during loading, and it sure seemed as though I was retaining a fair amount of water. But this morning I had dropped those extra four and another four on top of it! Of course it's wonderful to see the numbers change, but I can also already feel the changes in my body. The difference with hcg being that the abnormal fat stores are releasing and being consumed! Dr Simeons also refers to the very cells themselves being metabolized once devoid of fat, along with the very blood vessels, connective tissue and supportive structures that have housed the adipose stores we so despise.

In case you're wondering, my progress ticker above reflects my pre-loading weight, not including the four extra pounds.

Tomorrow begins Week Two. I'm excited to see where I am next Monday. Be Well!

VLCD#1

So after three loading days, today is the FIRST 500 aka VLCD. I've been hungry since 3:30 am when I couldn't sleep. EEK! But I've stuck to protocol and still have a bit over half of my food to eat later.

I know sometimes the dose needs to be adjusted when one is super hungry, and I'm not *starving* but I definitely feel hollow. Hollow. Now THAT is an interesting concept. What does it really feel like? Rather than think of it as empty or without, I want to think of it as open. As in open to possibilities. :) I'm opening up fat reserves and burning them for fuel. I'm open to making serious changes in the relationship I've built with food over the years. I'm open to becoming a healthier person. And with that, I will make a concerted effort to remain open-hearted with myself for what I've been through, what brought me to today, and where I'm going with my current choices.

Hunger is another interesting word that evokes many different images. What am I hungry for? Well for starters - Health. Wellness. Energy. Vitality. Movement. Beyond that, I hunger for meaning, beauty, to matter, to be seen and heard, acceptance, love, companionship and friendship, fun and play, quiet and solitude, relaxation, excitement...the list goes on and on! Really what I hunger for is LIFE! The Good Life, defined as all of the above and more. Rather than hiding behind pain and fat and food, I hunger to embrace all that life has to offer and more.

Open to possibilities. Hungry for Life. Excellent themes to take me into Phase 2 and beyond. :)

Loading Days are a Mixed Bag!

I've done two "loading days" as per protocol and did really well the first day. The second was super busy and while I did eat lots of good fats and protein, the volume was not as high as I think it should have been. Today is supposed to be my first VLCD (very low calorie day), and I woke up hungry which is very rare for me. But now I'm wondering if I should do another loading day...I've put it to the superstars at the HCG Diet Info forums and will see what they say.

So - the loading free-for-all is sort of a mixed bag! Of course I had planned lots of "last chance" foods and really enjoyed them, but I also had to semi-force myself to eat. That seems a dubious task given my situation to begin with. ;) Stuffing oneself in preparation of "starving" oneself! Although I've got plenty of fat reserves to live on for awhile, which is the entire point of course.

Regardless, I ate more protein than carbs, and lots of good fats - coconut oil & butter, nuts, cheese, avocados, chicken and beef; along with some sweets (cheesecake and ice cream) but not TOO much. I've heard too many stories about folks loading on carbs and sugar, and having a harder time with releasing the weight or bad bouts of hunger. I seriously want to avoid that!

After loading I've dropped a few pounds of what I'm sure is water. I'd been swelling a bit so upped my diuretic to compensate. But it's funny to drop after eating like I did the first day. :)

MY STORY- Day One

Oh I have fallen flat so many times. I hear about the next big (supposed) breakthrough and get my hopes up. I “drink the Kool-Aide” so to speak. I tell everyone about this “new thing” that is going to melt my thighs and give me six-pack abs. So many starvation and weird food diets, it is simply impossible to count how many. My attempts to return to a healthy weight have included behavioral therapy (more than once, and more than one style), Overeaters Anonymous, Conscious Weight Loss, Weight Loss Clinic.

Books on the subject, by the gross (no pun intended) - The Blood Type Diet, The Carbohydrates Addict’s Diet, The Atkins Diet, The Zone, The Gold Coast Cure to name a few. The Fad diets: Grapefruit, Cabbage, Fruit Only, Juice Only, Hollywood, Apple Cider Vinegar and Raw Eggs, the standard food pyramid and of course Low Fat/Fat Free.

Extreme exercise, goofy “rules” for exercising – like cardio first to burn fat which lets you put on more muscle, weight training first which burns glucose and then cardio to burn fat more efficiently, only in the morning, only in the evening, both morning and evening. Oh and the fabulous exercise equipment! I don’t even want to add up the thousands I’ve spent over the years to make exercising more convenient by doing it at home. Ha! Convenient is great, but until someone sells motivation in a box, I’m not buying any more dust collectors.

I’ve even secretly considered Drastic Bypass. It’s exhausting just trying to recall all the times I’ve tried to, as Oprah puts it, Make the Connection. I finally quit trying, and bulked up to nearly 300 pounds. Horrifying. Frightening. Terribly sad. And coming to that last-ditch solution called surgery has frightened me more than watching the scale creep up to the big Three-Oh-Oh.

The last few years have been gearing up to this, and I’ve found myself in a healing crisis the last few years with extremely high blood pressure, fibromyalgia, inflammatory arthritis, sleep apnea, vitamin deficiencies, tendonitis, chronic pain and extreme fatigue. Test after test confirming that if I don’t make significant changes and soon – I won’t survive. My girls need a mother. My husband needs a wife. My family needs a daughter, sister, aunt and niece. But most importantly – I need MYSELF.

I have tried for two decades to find the self-love necessary to accept my body for what it is, and yet care for it in ways that enhance rather than deplete my essence, and makes life worth living. But when it gets difficult, I’m in pain, not sleeping and fatigued, when life ramps up with bills and errands and carpools as it inevitably does at times, I have turned to the comfort and dissociation of a food-induced high. Yes, I love food (who doesn’t)- but I am ready to break free of this destructive emotional and addictive relationship and instead turn to food for sustenance, life-giving nutrition and vitality; to enjoy it, even love it while knowing that love can turn to obsession unless I remain mindful and connected to what is TRUE for me. Then I found something that gave me…pause…

I have a love affair going with my holistic MD. She has been instrumental in helping sort out the complex workings of my particular body, and finding ways to heal without just putting band-aids all over the place. You know with band-aids, there comes a time when you just have to rip them off!!! Yeouch! Earlier in the fall, she suggested I consider doing the HCG diet to kick-start my metabolism, and referred me to a naturopath for guidance.

I had to look for a doctor who was actually on my insurance plan first, and scheduled an appointment with someone who sounded promising, and has actively worked with this particular diet. It was an okay first visit, however she recommended multiple supplements and IV therapy to help boost my depleted body before beginning the diet. This included a “new program” of dietary supplements formulated to release fat – to the tune of several hundred dollars per month. I almost drank the Kool-Aide again. After having two IV cocktails over a few months and missing my third due to a sick child, being a few hundred bucks lighter with a few months gone and no closer to actually beginning HCG, I decided that I was no better off and would not go back.

Shortly after that I was at a gluten-free cookie exchange in early December and met someone who mentioned they had just lost 15 pounds in three weeks on homeopathic HCG. It was exciting to hear that my love of energetic medicine (and homeopathy in particular) was actually an option for this!

I researched for several weeks before deciding to go forward. It seemed too good to be true!!! Yet another fad, yet another promise of miraculous results and oh, the hope that inspired was just too intoxicating…but I refrained from jumping head first, instead pinching myself to be sure what I was reading was actually true. I’ve read the original manuscript called “Pounds and Inches” by Dr. A.T.W. Simeons which outlines the initial research, the reasoning, the diet etc; found multiple blogs and forums, checked books out of the library and joined a few email groups for newbies, people beginning in January 2010 and using the homeopathic version.

This is Day One. I can’t tell you how excited and hopeful I feel, knowing this is one tool able to give me the jumpstart to mindfully and wisely make the changes necessary for living the life I deserve and having a body that is healthy, moves with ease and maybe even a little bit of grace.