Peaks and Valleys With a Side of Courage

I haven’t updated for several days but I’m still here! Honestly it’s been a struggle the last week. I’ve had real problems with hunger, which is not supposed to be the case, and have gotten conflicting advice about how to adjust my hHCG dose. This came on the heels of three days with 3# losses and (TMI alert) some rather loose (liquid) trouble in the bathroom for several days. I also gained three pounds of retained fluids on Friday, and that coupled with the hunger really sent me into a tailspin. The pounds came back off after three days and a doubled diuretic dose (I’m on prescriptions for this, not for weight loss). If I weren’t hungry, it would be much easier to stick to it. But I’m obsessing about food, I’m wakeful at night because my stomach is empty, I’m rationing out my calories and getting more cranky. I’ve got this near-constant inner struggle about stick it out or cheat now. This is not the kind of post I want to include here, I’d rather be all happy, inspired and skinny. But it’s REAL, it’s happening NOW and I owe it to myself to be completely honest, to anyone who might read this also. This diet is simple but by no means easy.

Food is a powerful drug that is readily accessible and relatively cheap. While it might be more fashionable to be a skinny cocaine addict, being fat seems to be one of those things that people of integrity, education and will-power simply don't DO. Of course those of us who ARE fat know this isn't true - that the extra pounds aren't about will power or ignorance. Most fat folks are quite educated about diet and exercise. We've been down that road more than a few times, and honestly it's insulting to receive "dieting tips" or "helpful suggestions" from the Thin and Patronizing. Yes, you may be well-intentioned with your comments of "support" but it ISN'T helpful to hear what worked for your neighbor or what you did when you had to drop those 5 pounds that you just couldn't lose after pregnancy. Pah-leeeese.

That said – I’m an addict and I want a fix. My body is slowly detoxing from grains and sugar. Being gluten-free, I’ve already cut a lot of grains out of my diet, but I’m a semi-regular consumer of brown rice and quinoa, and rarely gluten-free oats. But I’m HUNGRY. I’m thinking about food I haven’t eaten in over a year! Cereal, donuts, REAL pizza crust, French bread, chocolate cake. Holy Mother of God I want to eat carbs right now! As bad as it feels, I will feel worse if I give in. I know it! The few times I’ve eaten gluten over the last15 months I have regretted it with increased swelling and pain, headaches and more. I won’t be eating carbs or sugar for another 4-6 weeks while on the protocol, and through Phase 3 stabilization until I hit Phase 4 and maintenance.

I’ve known people who have done drastic diets and had surgery, losing a ton of weight in the process, only to find themselves back where they started and worse after a few years because they DIDN’T DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT and issues with food. No diet will work until the emotional component is addressed. I know this. I’ve tried to do this before and failed. Sometimes I wish I WERE a drug addict instead of obese. At least then my health insurance would pay for me to have counseling and rehab. People would be supportive and understanding, at least in the sense of how addiction works. They would (hopefully) not go to bars or crack houses with me, they wouldn’t offer me the random blunt or needle. Go to a meeting with me perhaps.

But fatties? “Put the fork down you cow!” “Show some self-control!” “Reduce calories and exercise for Pete’s sake!” “Get your lard ass out of the chair and at least walk around the block.” These are mostly the things I hear in my mind, but I have to believe I’m not unique in the self-abuse I heap on myself. The ironic thing is that nobody would ever say “Got a problem with food? Then just stay out of the grocery store, restaurant, pantry, refrigerator.” “I’ll sit here and not eat food with you.” “We’re not serving food at our dinner party because we know how difficult it is for you.” It all sounds on the edge of insanity, doesn’t it? ;)

What I know to be true about myself is that I have deep, inner reserves of strength that come out in the midst of crisis when someone I care about is hurting. I am not a weak person; I have determination and drive in many situations. Well right now I am the one hurting, so where is my compassion and strength for myself? I’m doing my best, one day at a time as they say, sometimes it’s only one meal at a time. I’m still showing up and doing the work, and it sucks and is hard. The other thing I know is that I AM WORTH IT. I'll show up again tomorrow, promise.

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says "I will try again tomorrow".
~Mary Anne Radmacher