Have you lost weight?

Well, yeah. 30 pounds in fact. Thanks for asking.

Actually up until today nobody has mentioned it and I’ve been a bit disappointed. Granted, I’m huge anyway, so what’s 10% of my body weight being gone? Not enough to really show I guess. It was somewhat comical yesterday at work, when my boss walked by and saw my client and I standing there, and she exclaimed, “Wow, you look so thin!” Well, she was talking to my client, not me. lol Then the client said “But my weight’s the same, it hasn’t changed! I’ve lost two inches off my waist though.” She does look great, you can see the changes in her and I know she’s been working hard at changing her diet. But dang it sort of felt like I was invisible!

Isn’t that what fat does? Insulates and makes one invisible even though we’re taking up so much physical space? Provides protection from the words of others, though ironically it makes us more vulnerable to rude comments. The self-soothing that takes place when hurt, tired, lonely, afraid, pissed off, overwhelmed, bored…we’re insulating our metaphorical hearts as well as our bodies. I’m done with that! I’ve been happily married for almost 16 years so it’s not like I’m looking for admirers, but it would sure be nice to be less physically repulsive to people with fattiefobia. ;) I don’t want people to discount my intelligence based on how wide my ass has gotten either. Brain shrinkage doesn’t occur with ass widening, at least it’s not scientifically proven. Yet.

But the clouds parted, the sun shown down and birdies started singing today when ANOTHER client (I’ll call her June) did what she called a “triple take” as I got out of the car. She recognized my car, and the somewhat vaguely familiar woman getting out but she didn’t think it was me! First things she said is “Have you been losing weight?” I could have kissed her! Instead I smiled and replied that “yes, in fact I have lost weight.” I’ve known “June” for several years, and we catch up during her sessions with what our lives have been like since the last visit and what’s coming up before the next time we see each other.

I’m pretty open about who I am and what I think, and so holding back something that is life altering such as this diet is unusual for me. But I told her all about it, explained the various principles that Dr. Simeons based his protocol on and how I’ve planned to progress through the phases. June was very supportive and thought that perhaps a sister might be interested in the process. I look forward to being further changed when I see her next month and celebrating again! Thank you June, for being aware and for mentioning the change in my body. You’re the first. I hope you aren’t the last. ;)

Week three was much easier on me than week two, and for that I'm very relieved! It's amazing to me how my cravings have subsided, although a few nights ago I still had the urge to nosh...seeking comfort...and not feeling 100%. But NO, that will not be my go-to plan! Hot tea with stevia, a well-timed, nicely crunchy apple and I was fine. I am enjoying my food, and mixing it up a bit more with various seasonings. I also made asparagus soup that was DIVINE, garnished with fresh cilantro made it even better.

Last week there was no way I could see anyone going 40 days on Phase Two! This week I can see that if it's working, once you get in a groove it becomes more feasible and may even be easier than doing more rounds. I've got an annual family weekend at the beach coming up, my daughter's birthday and my 16th wedding anniversary all in a week's time at the end of the month. So my plan has been to move to P3 the week before our trip to the beach which will give me more freedom with extra protein and fat (I’m thinking a stevia sweetened, almond crust cheesecake instead of cupcakes and ice cream for myself) and I’ll be able to hang with everyone at the dinner/dessert table in style. I’m also looking forward to a few cocktails. Oh yes, I sure am!

As I mentioned above, I dropped THIRTY POUNDS in 24 days. Aside from week two, which is hard for most people I’ve gathered, I’ve done it without too much pain and suffering. There have been moments, but I keep telling myself that cheating on this food or that beverage is NOT WORTH IT. Hitting the 30-pound mark was definitely something to celebrate.

I haven’t been this weight since before my last pregnancy. It feels GOOD! I will never be model and wear a size 2, my bone and muscle mass is not likely to change that drastically. But I look forward to being a healthy size that feels right for ME, not only confident and proud of who I AM, but also how I look and move through my days. I'm keeping my curves, I just want them a bit fewer and further between.

Curves: The loveliest distance between two points. ~Mae West

Week Three, Oh How I Love Thee

After the hellishness of week two, I'm sailing along pretty well this week! My hunger has been much better maintained with the increased dose and I've dropped six pounds since Tuesday, though today the scale was stationary. I'll take it though! Admittedly, I've been adding protein servings since late Sunday. It is the only thing that has kept me on "protocol" even though I'm above the 500 calorie limit by a bit. I'm blood type O, I need meat! :)

It is interesting to read the comments from "purists" that go Dr. Simeons the whole way from start to finish, compared with the "rogues" who adapt the diet for themselves or their doctors. I think that somewhere in the middle is what is true for most of us, and yet each individual will respond and drop pounds while others will gain based on our own unique metabolic issues. If extra protein keeps me on track and I continue to lose, am able to stabilize and maintain, then I'm going to eat it! I'm still eating the protocol foods Dr. S recommends though, I'm not THAT much of a rebel. ;)

Week Three also represents the end of Phase Two. I'm still toying with ending next week or going an additional week. I suppose it depends on what is happening on the scale and how I'm feeling. I've been craving fats so badly! I can't wait to get my hands on some cheese and nuts and coconut oil. We have an annual trip to the beach with my whole family at the end of the month, and I definitely want to be on P3 by then.

My carb cravings have been diminishing, though last night I was doing a bit of battle. Hot cinnamon tea helped tremendously. I've been saving my tablespoon of milk for tea as dessert because it enriches so much vs the pathetic muddy color it makes my coffee if I add it in the morning. I'm a half-and-half coffee kind of woman, and lots of it! But milk in tea with a bit of stevia and it's like dessert, very satisfying and curbs those cravings.

One thing I've noted that I need to watch this week is waiting too long to eat and then filling myself up to the "full" point. Binge and starve is not going to be a good way to stabilize at all! I had a killer week at my three jobs, literally with no time to eat until after my workday (6.5 hours was the longest) so I got in most of my calories in a short period of time. While I enjoy the fullness factor, I really would rather NOT perpetuate that moving forward. Part of my fear with saving my food til later is that if I eat more in the early part of the day the anxiety over "What if I get hungry and I've used up my calories?" is enough to make me wait. The funny thing is, I'm hungry anyway because I haven't eaten and I'm saving my food for later. Seems ridiculous, and definitely a "scarcity" mentality I want no part of. I want to live in abundance! Abundant energy, abundant health, abundant joy!

And with that, I have an abundantly busy day with four clients waiting for me. Have a GREAT weekend Losers, and have a glass of water for me...I'll tip my glass to your success too!

Expect your every need to be met.
Expect the answer to every problem.
Expect abundance on every level.
~Eileen Caddy

Peaks and Valleys With a Side of Courage

I haven’t updated for several days but I’m still here! Honestly it’s been a struggle the last week. I’ve had real problems with hunger, which is not supposed to be the case, and have gotten conflicting advice about how to adjust my hHCG dose. This came on the heels of three days with 3# losses and (TMI alert) some rather loose (liquid) trouble in the bathroom for several days. I also gained three pounds of retained fluids on Friday, and that coupled with the hunger really sent me into a tailspin. The pounds came back off after three days and a doubled diuretic dose (I’m on prescriptions for this, not for weight loss). If I weren’t hungry, it would be much easier to stick to it. But I’m obsessing about food, I’m wakeful at night because my stomach is empty, I’m rationing out my calories and getting more cranky. I’ve got this near-constant inner struggle about stick it out or cheat now. This is not the kind of post I want to include here, I’d rather be all happy, inspired and skinny. But it’s REAL, it’s happening NOW and I owe it to myself to be completely honest, to anyone who might read this also. This diet is simple but by no means easy.

Food is a powerful drug that is readily accessible and relatively cheap. While it might be more fashionable to be a skinny cocaine addict, being fat seems to be one of those things that people of integrity, education and will-power simply don't DO. Of course those of us who ARE fat know this isn't true - that the extra pounds aren't about will power or ignorance. Most fat folks are quite educated about diet and exercise. We've been down that road more than a few times, and honestly it's insulting to receive "dieting tips" or "helpful suggestions" from the Thin and Patronizing. Yes, you may be well-intentioned with your comments of "support" but it ISN'T helpful to hear what worked for your neighbor or what you did when you had to drop those 5 pounds that you just couldn't lose after pregnancy. Pah-leeeese.

That said – I’m an addict and I want a fix. My body is slowly detoxing from grains and sugar. Being gluten-free, I’ve already cut a lot of grains out of my diet, but I’m a semi-regular consumer of brown rice and quinoa, and rarely gluten-free oats. But I’m HUNGRY. I’m thinking about food I haven’t eaten in over a year! Cereal, donuts, REAL pizza crust, French bread, chocolate cake. Holy Mother of God I want to eat carbs right now! As bad as it feels, I will feel worse if I give in. I know it! The few times I’ve eaten gluten over the last15 months I have regretted it with increased swelling and pain, headaches and more. I won’t be eating carbs or sugar for another 4-6 weeks while on the protocol, and through Phase 3 stabilization until I hit Phase 4 and maintenance.

I’ve known people who have done drastic diets and had surgery, losing a ton of weight in the process, only to find themselves back where they started and worse after a few years because they DIDN’T DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT and issues with food. No diet will work until the emotional component is addressed. I know this. I’ve tried to do this before and failed. Sometimes I wish I WERE a drug addict instead of obese. At least then my health insurance would pay for me to have counseling and rehab. People would be supportive and understanding, at least in the sense of how addiction works. They would (hopefully) not go to bars or crack houses with me, they wouldn’t offer me the random blunt or needle. Go to a meeting with me perhaps.

But fatties? “Put the fork down you cow!” “Show some self-control!” “Reduce calories and exercise for Pete’s sake!” “Get your lard ass out of the chair and at least walk around the block.” These are mostly the things I hear in my mind, but I have to believe I’m not unique in the self-abuse I heap on myself. The ironic thing is that nobody would ever say “Got a problem with food? Then just stay out of the grocery store, restaurant, pantry, refrigerator.” “I’ll sit here and not eat food with you.” “We’re not serving food at our dinner party because we know how difficult it is for you.” It all sounds on the edge of insanity, doesn’t it? ;)

What I know to be true about myself is that I have deep, inner reserves of strength that come out in the midst of crisis when someone I care about is hurting. I am not a weak person; I have determination and drive in many situations. Well right now I am the one hurting, so where is my compassion and strength for myself? I’m doing my best, one day at a time as they say, sometimes it’s only one meal at a time. I’m still showing up and doing the work, and it sucks and is hard. The other thing I know is that I AM WORTH IT. I'll show up again tomorrow, promise.

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says "I will try again tomorrow".
~Mary Anne Radmacher